Is there a way to end the pain of families having to decide life or death?

As a family caregiver, how do you prepare for the expected inevitable? Many of us have bolted up out of our beds at 3 a.m. when the phone rings. Or we’ve had that sick feeling in the pit of our stomach when no one answers the phone and they are expected to be at home. No one is prepared for the call saying something has happened to your mother – “there is no answer at your mom’s house.” So how do we prepare ourselves for what we know will eventually happen? Are there things we can do or put into place now, which will help us cope with the emotionally-taxing decisions about a parent’s life or death path?

As stated in the Toronto Star’s two part series (http://www.thestar.com/living/article/957080--gravely-ill-man-s-wishes-for-life-must-be-respected-panel-finds), “in many cases, we, the ill or dying, won’t be the ones making our own final call.” There is a very grey line when it comes to the legal and ethical issues around life-saving and end-of-life measures in Canada. These agonizing decisions generally are left in the hands of distraught family members. But recently, we have seen hospital administration stepping in and making suggestive solutions. Is there a way to end the unnecessary suffering of families of having to decide life or death? Who should be making these decisions? If we prepared in advance, could this situation be easier to manage?

In Ontario, it’s responsibility of the Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care (MOHLTC) to provide health care information to the general public. But this is a challenge when it comes to end-of-life. There are no clear provincial, federal or medical protocols – these situations can often end up in a stalemate. In some cases the wishes of family members conflict with the medical judgment of the hospital administration. The MOHLTC provides some direction (http://www.health.gov.on.ca/en/ministry/), but there’s no clear-cut statement that defines, as harsh as it may sound, “when to pull the plug.”

In my opinion, talking about and planning for death or sudden illness are a must. Regardless of your age, you should plan now. A simple drive to the corner store can change lives forever. Death is not something we obviously want to plan for, but we all know it’s inevitable – death and taxes, isn’t that what they say! So why not plan? Here are some tips to get you started:

• DON’T DO IT ALONE – Arrange a family conference; bring everyone together. Discuss your true wishes in the event of an unforeseen health event that leaves you incapacitated or dead.
• GET YOUR PAPERS IN ORDER – Complete a will; assign Power of Attorney (POA) for both health and finances (e.g., mortgage, banking, investments, insurance, pensions).
• CREATE A CHECKLIST – Include regular activities, what needs to be done around the house, important personal manners, bill payment).
• CONTACT INFORMATION – Record contact information for family members and friends, trusted advisers, attorneys, accountants and financial advisers.
• PRE-PLANNED FUNERAL – Many people are pre-planning and pre-paying their funeral arrangements to make things easier for family members.
• PERSONAL INFORMATION – Indicate where personal documents, financial statements, PIN numbers and passwords are located.

End-of-life decisions for yourself, a parent or loved one shouldn’t be made without prior direction. If crisis strikes, everyone should be on the same page and ready to handle the unimaginable. Planning ahead is the best solution. We know it’s easy to talk about life plans, but discussing illness or death is a different matter. Yet by planning for the unexpected, you can make a very difficult and emotional time less stressful and be by a loved one’s side when they need you most.